October 16, 2007

I have no picture. I won’t go grab one like before. The picture of me today is black. Obsidian black. Hard and cold. Lightless and frightening. I can’t continue to live like this. I can’t do a great job at supporting my family and yet have family telling family lies. This won’t do. I will find a way out. Not because I can’t do this, but because I won’t. I am not going to take it up the ass from this relative again. I did that once. Well not figuratively, but close enough. Her husband abused me as a child and she never noticed while it was happening. More importantly, when she did know (after my little sister was raped by him and I finally told about my years, yes years, of abuse) she still chose to stay with him. We have always been very close. Probably too close for aunt and niece. But that is over. Really it was over when I first began this adventure living here. It is breaking my heart. I cannot stand, under any circumstance, to see my children suffer. Not that they will “suffer” but that they will be so very hurt and disappointed, as will Mr. Vixen. This place is so good for us and so beautiful and so perfect (except for the lack of the working toilet in my abode), but I cannot live like this. I have always sacrificed everything for my family, but this time I can’t seem to make the sacrifice of myself. I just can’t.

This makes very little sense, but it is what it is…


7 thoughts on “October 16, 2007

  1. Jane

    Hang on Vixen, Hang on.
    You are Good and Good always finds a way.
    Although the way may not be easy.
    Good always triumphs in the end.

    Sending you strength and peace…

  2. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you, although I understand you wanting to think of your family as well.

    (Think they would notice if ya just took the yellow toilet with you?)

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